This is the problem I've been trying to fix lately; I've been clearing out my external hard drive with all its old files from as far back as my college days (and before). Re-formatting all of these old papers in my pack-rat tendency to keep every school paper I've ever written (Thanks for that, Mom.) has reintroduced me to some little gems from my scholastic endeavors. haha Of course, as an English Education major, I wrote more papers in college than most people dread writing in their entire lives.
As a kick-start to this poor, neglected blog of mine, I'm going to post a few of them on here. It's been a laugh for me; hopefully, it will be for you, as well.
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Friend-Losing: A How-To
Many people
would probably say that losing a friend is a simple thing to do. This misconception comes from their
accidentally stumbling across a specific path of action. The art of friend-losing is very technical, but
can become natural if practiced long enough.
The first
step to losing a friend is to lay the foundation for a rocky relationship. This can be accomplished in several ways, but
the most effective method would be to use all these ways in tandem. Make sure that you seldom, if ever, confide
in your friend; keep your secrets secret.
Remember that you are the expert…in everything. Always one-up your friend’s stories or
memories, and you should correct your friend often, preferably in public. Finally, fight to have your way all the
time. What good is sharing?
The second
part to ridding yourself of this person is to cause a problem of some
kind. This, however, is the most
delicate stage because the problem must appear to have been caused by the other
person. A good way to start is to lie to
your friend, or, at the least, keep the truth to yourself. If possible, date the person your friend is
interested in or steal a promotion from them.
Tell your friend that you are crushed and shocked by the quandary you
are in, but do not, by any means, get out of the relationship. As time progresses, begin to tell people what
your friend is doing to you. Make it
look like your friend is trying to ruin your life. Do not let your friend ever see you upset
about the situation--even if your friend dissolves into sobbing tears. Always act like nothing is wrong. As a last stab, be sure that your side of the
story makes the gossip circle before your friend’s; this assures your friend
will appear guilty and petty.
After you
have laid the foundation and caused your problem, it is time to close the
deal. Now that you have spoiled your
friend’s reputation and probably made this person almost hate you, you must act
stunned by the turn of events. You must
look more than innocent. Absolute horror
is the best attitude for this stage.
Cling to your friend as if you are terrified that the friendship will
end. Drag the misery out as long as the
dead relationship will last; make your friend feel horribly guilty for wanting
to get out of the relationship and away from you. If a holiday is near, buy your friend
sentimental gifts that will always bring back memories of you and this
friendship. Follow your friend around
all the time, forcing your friend to be rude in order to get away. Be shocked and hurt when your friend gets
angry and retaliates or rails back at you.
After a sufficient time of playing the victimized innocent, tell your
friend, “I forgive you,” for the problem that you, yourself caused.
This last
act of selfishness should seal the death certificate of this friendship. Do not be discouraged if your particular
friendship takes longer than you expected to kill. Some relationships have been known to last
for several years before the foundation was strong enough for stage two, and
every now and then a friend will endure the punishment of problem after problem
before closure can come. However, sooner
or later, this fool-proof method will always obtain the desired end--you will
lose your friend.
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