Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Friend-Losing: A How-To

You know how it goes: you change computers and back-up files, but don't remember what they contain or what program opens them. So, years later, you open a memory stick or disk to discover all items contained are from some ancient, forgotten file-type that nothing is able read. =)

This is the problem I've been trying to fix lately; I've been clearing out my external hard drive with all its old files from as far back as my college days (and before).  Re-formatting all of these old papers in my pack-rat tendency to keep every school paper I've ever written (Thanks for that, Mom.) has reintroduced me to some little gems from my scholastic endeavors. haha  Of course, as an English Education major, I wrote more papers in college than most people dread writing in their entire lives. 

As a kick-start to this poor, neglected blog of mine, I'm going to post a few of them on here.  It's been a laugh for me; hopefully, it will be for you, as well.

Friend-Losing: A How-To

            Many people would probably say that losing a friend is a simple thing to do.  This misconception comes from their accidentally stumbling across a specific path of action.  The art of friend-losing is very technical, but can become natural if practiced long enough.
            The first step to losing a friend is to lay the foundation for a rocky relationship.  This can be accomplished in several ways, but the most effective method would be to use all these ways in tandem.  Make sure that you seldom, if ever, confide in your friend; keep your secrets secret.  Remember that you are the expert…in everything.  Always one-up your friend’s stories or memories, and you should correct your friend often, preferably in public.  Finally, fight to have your way all the time.  What good is sharing?
            The second part to ridding yourself of this person is to cause a problem of some kind.  This, however, is the most delicate stage because the problem must appear to have been caused by the other person.  A good way to start is to lie to your friend, or, at the least, keep the truth to yourself.  If possible, date the person your friend is interested in or steal a promotion from them.  Tell your friend that you are crushed and shocked by the quandary you are in, but do not, by any means, get out of the relationship.  As time progresses, begin to tell people what your friend is doing to you.  Make it look like your friend is trying to ruin your life.  Do not let your friend ever see you upset about the situation--even if your friend dissolves into sobbing tears.  Always act like nothing is wrong.  As a last stab, be sure that your side of the story makes the gossip circle before your friend’s; this assures your friend will appear guilty and petty.
            After you have laid the foundation and caused your problem, it is time to close the deal.  Now that you have spoiled your friend’s reputation and probably made this person almost hate you, you must act stunned by the turn of events.  You must look more than innocent.  Absolute horror is the best attitude for this stage.  Cling to your friend as if you are terrified that the friendship will end.  Drag the misery out as long as the dead relationship will last; make your friend feel horribly guilty for wanting to get out of the relationship and away from you.  If a holiday is near, buy your friend sentimental gifts that will always bring back memories of you and this friendship.  Follow your friend around all the time, forcing your friend to be rude in order to get away.  Be shocked and hurt when your friend gets angry and retaliates or rails back at you.  After a sufficient time of playing the victimized innocent, tell your friend, “I forgive you,” for the problem that you, yourself caused. 
            This last act of selfishness should seal the death certificate of this friendship.  Do not be discouraged if your particular friendship takes longer than you expected to kill.  Some relationships have been known to last for several years before the foundation was strong enough for stage two, and every now and then a friend will endure the punishment of problem after problem before closure can come.  However, sooner or later, this fool-proof method will always obtain the desired end--you will lose your friend.

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